Saturday, November 2, 2013

People Pleaser

I wish I could be everything to everybody.
That people would only say good things.
If that were possible, I would spend all my time trying to make things right for everyone else.
Yet I fail to acknowledge that I must take care of the person who desperately needs it the most:
No, do not be absurd. Who has time for me when everyone else is in so much trouble?
She has boy troubles and he cannot find a job, I must be there for them.
It does not matter if I befriended them a month ago or six years ago, I must stay loyal.
Oh, just ignore the fact that she secretly mocks you, or that he only responds when he wants to.
I can secretly hate them too.

What is this spiral of a life I have created?
With a web of lies resembling a maze.
I lost the trail of stones I left when I first entered.
Stuck with helplessness and the mentality that pleasing others will bring me happiness.
But what I do is never enough.
Not for them, but for myself.
I will never be happy no matter what I achieve for others.
Because by putting others first, I remain last.
For them, and for myself.

I choose to project the false side of me while the rotting truth stays cozy inside.
Is my sanity not a sufficient reason to stop this madness?
I am losing myself.
I miss the innocent, happy child I was.
I miss the fearless girl who loved life.
Who accepted herself and did not care what others desired of her.
If anyone should be put first, it should have been her.
Maybe then I would not be so lost now, wandering about, hoping someone will free me.
But no one is willing to when I do not prioritize it myself.

Desperately looking for genuine love, yet even when it is found, I do not notice.
Because I am always looking for more.
Please, if someone could help me break this cycle,
I do not know how to beg without saying a word.
Without destroying what little pride I have left.
Someone, look into my eyes and realize I am suffering,
That the lashing out and anger is only to protect me from myself.
It is only there to distract me from what exists inside.
I swear I was born a good person, but now developing into an unfamiliar creature.
If I cannot save myself, who will?

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