Tick Tick Tick

Some people need to feel the satisfaction that irritates their insides, desperate to relieve the constant gnawing of the destructive creature that tries to overwhelm them. How does this irritation vanish? By throwing others under the bus. Some humans are ticking time bombs; they live normal lives but hold dark thoughts that become triggered into actions once they experience a tragedy. Pain is a terrible thing, but unfortunately, all humans will feel it at some point in their life. It is those who cannot handle this pain that the rest of us need to be careful of. Some people who cannot get over something terrible that they have gone through feel the need to take away the happiness and pain-free lives of others in order for themselves to be happy again. But their happiness is only temporary; because truly, they understand that causing other people pain does not solve their underlying issues. These types of people are very dangerous, because they are weak and will use any means to bring others misfortune, stopping at nothing to hurt others. Since we cannot control others, nor do we have a need to, we must make sure to always maintain immortal self-confidence while staying aware and in control of our surroundings. If you are fooled, you must keep your head high and continue as the person you were before being deceived, or else they will succeed in making you another condescending and dark manipulator; a reflection of themselves. There are two types of people who experience pain and live from it; the survivor, who learns from what has happened and uses positive attitudes to prevent others from falling into their path, and then there is the jealous one; who will stop at nothing to make you a creation of what they are. We must choose our friends wisely and know the difference between a friend who is truly concerned and one whose seemingly kind words are merely a concealed plan for destruction. Trust your instincts, but also trust the advice of true loved ones. Do not be a part of the aftermath of an exploded time bomb masked in human form.

Y.K.W.Y.A.

There is no doubt in my mind that you talk about me to your "friends",
I put it in quotations because I am never certain who your friends are,
You are always changing them, attaching yourself and spilling your secrets,
Who knows if you're spilling mine too.

Every inch of my body reassures me that I did the right thing,
Leaving your mind games and excessive internal dilemmas,
I live a peaceful life now; free of worry.
You think I left you because of him,
But he was solely an excuse.

I left your manipulative, sly, and dishonest ways,
You pretended to be harmless and gentle,
But only a mind reader would be able to decipher what your real motives were,
You entered my heart in the disguise of a friend,
But I should have looked down to see your poorly hidden claws.

You have the nerve to be nice to me and pretend like nothing is wrong,
You should know me well enough to know that maybe a year ago I would have fallen for it,
But my innocence no longer carries its naivety,
I am stronger now and though I have lost more along the way,
I am prepared to stand alone than stand as part of your plastic collection.

I am not afraid of what you tell your new friends,
I love myself too much to let that bother me,
Unlike you, I do not allow negativity to control me,
To be honest, I'm not really sure if those things really happened to you.

I am happy you have moved on and left me to be,
But you should fret the poison you surround yourself with now.
You are capable of competing with them, but you are not capable of winning against them.
I wish you luck, but I am glad I stopped myself before becoming like you.
If I had not stopped myself, you would have made sure I would become you.

Have fun trying to figure out what I'm like now,
But you will never hear it from me.
Enjoy reading this and realizing it's about you.


**Note: This post contains a lot of hate, but it was needed to be said. I don't usually attack people like this, but I felt the need to fight with my best weapon: my words. I promise that there will not be any more negativity on my blog for a long time! :-)

Puzzle Pieces

Sometimes the events that occur in my life all seem to hold the common intent of crushing my dreams, passions or relationships with the people around me. Day after day, things just fail to go my way, and I am motionlessly dumbstruck at how and when things suddenly began to go downhill. It's as though everything I once looked forward to becomes something I try to forget, because it is no longer obtainable. But other times, every single thing in my life seems to fit together and go as planned. It is funny how in those moments, I tend to forget to appreciate how everything in my life is going so smoothly, only because I don't recall the nasty feeling of losing control during the difficult times. But what I have recently realized -- you could even call it a 'mild epiphany' -- is that events in my life only begin to go as planned after everything has gone wrong. Confused yet? Before people start to think this blog represents the mind of a neurotic, let me provide an example:

If you're an adult and are either in school or have a job, you have probably realized by now that life is definitely a puzzle, and its pieces are scattered in this world and -- most likely -- the next fifteen dimensions. I'm not trying to sound like Forrest Gump (because let's face it, he sounds much cooler when he talks about life), but life really is like a puzzle! Think about it; when things are going well in your life, the puzzle pieces tend to fit together and make a pretty picture (for fun, let's say it's a picture of Tom Hardy). But when everything seems to fall apart, it's as though those puzzle pieces are breaking apart and therefore; the puzzle fails to make any sense (as though Tom Hardy's lips are where his belly button should be). Here is the interesting part: the puzzle only falls apart to make a new puzzle from its altered pieces; a puzzle that becomes more beautiful than the previous one (let's keep it clean this time with a picture of Paris). 

You probably still think I'm a neurotic because this probably only makes sense to me, but what I'm really trying to say is that life is a puzzle, and the events and relationships in our lives are the puzzle pieces. Their purpose is to break apart from the puzzle, reform into new shapes and sizes, then pull themselves back into the puzzle and somehow make room for themselves. That is the cycle of one's life. Sometimes pieces from the puzzle will fall apart and break, but they do so only to come back and put together a more beautiful and elegant picture that represents your new life. It's like Darwin's theory of the "survival of the fittest"; the pieces change because you change, your dreams change, your friends change. Though at the time when everything is falling apart you may lose faith, just remember that things are only changing in order to accommodate your improved life.

Gratuitous Therapy

There's an emptiness inside of me. Like a gaping hole that grows in accordance to the growth of my emotional maturity. Until now, I never had the guts to even admit any negative feelings I have. I've grown up to hide my feelings, to smother them with all the happiness I could muster in front of my friends. But this entry is not about me. It's about the temporary happiness people can feel, and how easily it goes away with the trigger of one idea. No, I am not talking about depression or psychological issues; I am talking about human emotions. What causes us to love or to hate? I can tell you from much experience that hating someone is the easiest emotion you can feel, but the most difficult to forget. Myself, for example, would rather despise everything about someone before coming to terms with the pain they have put me through. I hope that hating a person so much will keep me busy enough to forget why I hate them. Yeah, I'm a pussy. But my pride and habit has taught me to wrap plastic wrap around the real person I am, and instead show off my new shiny self. But whatever this is supposed to achieve, it's not working. Forget the traditional values, humans need to interact with each other and communicate their loneliness or despair. It's easier said than done, I know. But times are changing and people are becoming much more open about themselves. We must trust enough in ourselves to be able to trust in others, and when we show our true selves we are not certain of the outcome, but we need to have faith that in the end it is worth having shown someone who we really are. To love ourselves means that we accept the happiness and the pain we have faced, and only through that acceptance can we move forward and share our experiences and lessons learned with our future loved ones. This gratifying sense of self is what I call gratuitous therapy.

The Concourse

As I sit across from him, I sniffle and pull out a Kleenex. “Jeez, this winter has been making everyone sick!” he says with a one-sided smile. I smile back, trying to hide the fact that these sniffles were caused by the tears in my eyes. How much longer? I look at him again as this question confronts me for the hundredth time today, but his attention has been redirected to the funny text he has just received. I look down at my books again, pretending I was looking at the people behind him as they laugh loudly. I force myself to lose interest in him because clearly he is not interested in me. My ego is too big to let it be bruised by a silent rejection. Every time I hear shuffling or footsteps, I look up in the hopes of the good-looking boys to notice me and smile. Of course, this doesn’t happen. Stupid me, it obviously wouldn’t happen to a girl like me. Only I don’t believe it. It could happen to me; someone who cares so much about appearance but dedicates her time to building her personality. But it doesn’t, and it hasn’t. Again, how much longer? How many more times do I have to pretend that having girls’ night on weekends is my choice and what I enjoy? That when a boy below my standards shows interest, I hide the fact that I starve for his attention? My loneliness consumes my thoughts and redirects my focus. I am constantly wondering how I can finally feel whole. I grew up believing love is just a luxury, that my needs and goals were a priority. Now love has become my necessity, and the emptiness I feel without it is like the constant feeling of going to bed hungry.
I close my books and stuff them in my backpack. As I get up I glance one more time at the boy in front of me. In the second I look at him, I see his blue hat sitting loosely on his head, wearing a tan-coloured sweater in blue jeans. So casual and so careless; something I show others I am. But he hasn’t noticed the pretty girl pretending to be concentrated in her books in front of him. Of course, I only desire a moment like this, and it feels as hard to achieve as winning the lottery. I leave the lounge and go home, the feeling of solitude never leaving me. The only thing I am certain of is that when I lay in my bed tonight, no one will be sleeping where I place my hand on the pillow beside my head.

Disappointment Overdose

Disappointments happen everywhere. Whether it is being given a terrible mark on a paper you thought was a masterpiece, or missing out on the concert of your favorite band, it seems like life is a disappointment overdose.

Why, you might wonder, would I feel such a way when my life is full of happiness, luck, and barely any hardships? (I am quite superstitious, so I will ask you to knock on wood ;)) Why is it that often people, including myself, focus on the negatives in life and forget the good things that have happened? I am no pessimistic; for I definitely see the glass as half full. Every time I am let down or stepped on, I believe 100% that it will be much better next time. Sure, I have those days where I feel nothing is going to change, and the world will never be a good place, but who doesn't have those moody, PMS-ing days where you feel nothing is going well? (Hell yes, even guys PMS.)

It's other people who disappoint me. I am not saying I'm the Queen of the World and need to be pleased constantly, but come on, it wouldn't hurt sometimes to care. This isn't a cry for attention, this isn't a dumb blog trying to say, "Guys, I'm going through a hard time, I'm like this, and I'm like that. Please pay attention to whatever I say, and always be there when I need someone." No, definitely not. Because who has the time for all that crap? Hell, even I wouldn't 'always be there for someone'. There's no such thing anyway. Unless you don't have a life, or are madly in love with that person, there is no way in hell you will ALWAYS be there. Of course you'll help them out at difficult times, but you and I both know humanity's selfish instinct disallows other people from being your first priority. What I am getting at is that society as a whole doesn't care enough. Like us individuals, society seems to prioritize. Call me crazy, but it seems we give so much attention to events that make the West look like either heroes or victims. Since I find the United States completely untrustworthy; I actually believe 9/11 was planned by the US. Muslims have been known to do some unforgivable things, but there is no way they were able to pull that off. Though 9/11 was a great tragedy, I find the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki much more significant. But no way will the Americans ever admit that. Why? Because they were the ones who dropped those bombs. Of course the Americans are sneaky and filthy that way; welcome to politics! Okay, I am probably going to be hated for saying this, but I am the type of person to say what's on my mind--loving the controversy it brings along with it: How many classes, seminars, movies, articles, television programs, and attention are we going to give the Holocaust? Of course it was a terrible event in history, and Hitler was a disgusting pig. Six million innocent Jews were killed; children, women, and men. Just because of their religion. It's awful. But how many genocides are going on in Africa right now? Rwanda, Sudan, and probably many other countries that aren't even mentioned in Canadian and American news. I find that as disgusting as the Holocaust itself. How many more lives are going to be lost by tomorrow from starvation, poverty, abuse, and diseases? I am not going to blame the lack of attention for these ignored souls because of racism; instead I am going to blame our ignorance. What is the United Nations doing? Instead of trying to find non existing bombs in random Middle East countries, save the poor people who can't fend for themselves. For God's sake, their lack of aid is as inhumane as private health care in America. Though the Americans didn't rush to help the Jews at the beginning of the second World War; they still sacrificed many lives to help liberate all the Jews in Europe. I still haven't seen much progress in Africa and for 2009 that is depressing. Who am I to complain about disappointments when people living in genocides, constant violence, and poverty are confronted with them every single day? I am ashamed. As technology progresses, we are becoming more and more lazy. We don't even bother writing letters anymore; instead we quickly type our messages to our loved ones overseas into an IM box and send it away! I am going to devote my life to saving innocent people and give them the life I was so fortunately given. Whether it's kicking some international criminals' ass in an international court, or travelling to countries in need myself; I promise to make my own fragment of peace in this world. But it's up to all of us; the next generation, to decide whether we are willing to get our hands dirty for a good cause. In the words of the wise Ice Cube, "You can do it put your back into it".

Badass

Surrounded by most things my mother has taken my hand from,
All the desires rushing through me, only wanting freedom
"Come on, just one time. It'll be fun, do it!"
Eyes piercing through me, making me feel like I don't fit

I do it once, then again, one more time
Washing the burning sensation down with lime
"This is fun! Let's do one more!"
"Oh no, I cannot. My throat is getting sore."

What's that you say? Will I do what for you?!
I'm sorry, but what you were told is not true.
I would never do that, especially not for somebody I don't know
Me? A girl like that? Say it isn't so!
For I have enough respect for myself to remember who's in charge
As my integrity and dignity are still at large
Of course I'm calling a cab! You're creeping me out!
If I stay longer, you will hurt me, that I do not doubt.

Getting home, to the sweetest people I know,
The only people I trust, since 17 years ago
"Oh Mom! I'm so glad to be back!
But I'm too tired to explain! I'm going to go hit the sack."

Crawling into my bed I think of the excuses I could use to explain
But as I drift off I think to myself, "Holy shit, that was insane!"

What goes on in a teenager's mind...

Memorizing the time you'll be here
But wishing you would always want to be near
Checking the time over and over again
Distracting myself in order to keep sane

Not yet friends, and far from lovers,
Yet if we're together, I daydream about the dangers
Fights, tears, my father kicking your ass
Or distraction causing me to fall behind in class

As I laugh at such nonsense a girl my age would think of,
I still wonder, "Is what's happening love?"
As friends disapprove, I still defend you,
Wondering if you would do the same thing for me too

Maybe it's a Taylor Swift song about an amazing guy,
"Your eyes are lookin' into mine, so baby make me fly"
Or maybe it's just the feeling of a summer fling
Because in the end, I don't want my heart aching.

Day and night, I imagine of what could be
Though deep down I know, you can never be with me.

Sad Eyes

Getting a call from a friend who cancels,
Never hearing the words desired from a boy,
Watching your family fall apart,
watching them try to mend their broken hearts.

Guns, grenades, suicide bombers,
CNN filled with witnessing callers,
People fighting their own people and shedding each other's blood,
Soldiers waiting for the enemy in the bushes, covered in mud.

People you trust and have fun with,
but deep inside knowing a good friend is a myth.
Women sacrificing their dignity and self respect for a man's love,
Allowing the media to degrade the rest of the women who have self love

A dog put in a cage to be sold and fend for itself,
Showing no sympathy and keeping all the money for ourself,
A small, starving child with helpless tears on tv dies,
I watch the world; all the hate and misfortune, with sad eyes.